One thing I have trouble escaping no matter where I am, is stress. When I am invited over to a friends house for dinner, or have the opportunity to take a glance into someone else's life style and family time, I see laughing, joy, peacefulness, and all around a fun time. Now I'm not saying that I am totally unaware of the disagreements families can get into from time to time, I'm just saying that it's far less often then in my family. And the last thing that does is bring a smile to my face.
God has blessed (I say blessed with clenched teeth and a furrow in my brow) with a leader that has an unlimited supply of strongholds. Ever since I was a little girl, I've known my father to be stern, stiff, greedy with money, selfish, and the list could go on. Yes, I know, he's my dad and I should check out my own junk before I point out someone else's, and no I am not condoning judging, I'm just trying to give you an idea of where stress can stem from in my house.
Sadly, I've never thought of my father as much as a provider. Just today, we were planning out our lunches when we realized we really did not have anything in the fridge to eat. So kindly, my dad offered to take us to the super market and grab some lunch meat to make sandwiches. YES! I'm starving! Only a moment later did my dad realize that there was tuna in the cabinet he could eat for lunch. "But dad, you know I don't like tuna..." I reminded him. "Well find some vegetables to eat with your mother." Immediately I was hurt. He had found something that he could eat and he no longer worried about what his family would eat. Out of anger, I told him that. Which brought him to the conclusion, "I just bought you all dinner last night- sheesh!" Ouch. This is my dad? Where is the sense of providing for his family? Where had it been lost? My father likes to look at spending money going out, or taking us somewhere, as providing for his family. There is a lack of awareness when it comes to tending to others needs (this is where my mother has been overly-supplied).
You can easily see a stressful situation just by hearing that story. I am embarrassed to say that it happens more than it should. It seems we cannot go through a conversation without something setting off dad. The enemy is using this to literally destroy our family. The more I am put off by his attitude and behavior, the more I get angry at him, the more I become more like him. My mother told me that my father has an uncanny ability to always draw me in; I always bite the bait. I told her that I only speak what everyone else thinks. But this makes me just like him.
Its sad, because I know the man that is dormant deep within my father's heart. He's kind, creative, imaginative, and funny! There are times when he makes me just bust a gut! :D I love that guy! My brother and I gave him his father's day present- and he actually cried with joy when he opened it! It was so sweet! I just wish that man came out more often. Don't get me wrong- my mother, brother, and I constantly pray for him, constantly pray for an awakening; it's just hard to see one when the person you're praying for is filled with a great amount of self-pride, a great sense of me, myself, and I can do this all alone, with no help needed.
I wrote this blog today to share a little piece of my life that most people don't know about. I wrote this blog in hopes of reaching out to someone who may be in the same situation. This is one of the toughest things I've had to deal with in my life. It's constant, consistent, and seemingly a never-ending battle. But I know without a shout of doubt that there is a good man living in the heart of my father, and one day he will make himself known, and make himself dominate. I see a spiritual leader, a strong man of God.
Please keep my father in your prayers as we continue to do so. :)
God Bless!
Carlie
